WARNING: THIS POST MAY CAUSE POST-TRAUMATIC SHOCK SYDROME

"She doesn't know what's comin'
But she knows what she's leavin' behind"
- The Great Billy Joel

These few days before I head off to Russia have caused me to do a little bit of self-reflection. I remember iin my Russian Literature class, a theme that for some reason or other came up was "self-awareness." While I would reject the idea that we should spend all our time on thinking about ourselves and even about how we can improve ourselves (because I think if we focus our energies on others with the right attitudes and motivation, self-improvement will come naturally), I think it is so valuable to acknowlege:

1. where and who you were
2. where and who you are now
3. that you have no idea where and who you will be next week, and no cotrol over it, and that is OK -- even more than OK. It is good.

So, today I've been thinking a lot about these three things.

I am trying to decide if it is better to talk about in terms of what I am now or what I am not anymore. I guess we'll go for a fussion. Or, we'll just jump in and see what it looks like at the end.

I am a little more punctual than I was before.
I have not turned in any assignment late this whole semester.
I wake up to my alarm every morning, rarely hitting snooze. At 7am -- an hour and a half before my first class.
I read for class and for pleasure every day.
I am learning how to be creative with cooking, and make things without measuring cups, and without a written recipe.
I know how to catch a train. And a bus. And a plane. All on my own. In fact, in a group, I am often the calm one who can figure out how to read the signs, even if they are in Lithuanian.
I hate when I have to take naps. I still do nap when I absolutely have to, but I absolutely hate it.
I try some new food almost every day.
I would rather buy more veggies at the shop than anything else.
I don't crave pizza every day.
I DO STILL LOVE CHOCOLATE!
I hate when I come to the realization that I haven't talked to my mom in a week, and my dad in two weeks.
I don't get offended by bad grammar and curious wordings.
I'm not AS afraid to ask directions from strangers. Especially if I know they would speak English!
I am more nervous to speak other languages than I ever knew I was. -- My favorite phrase is : Ar jus kalbate angliskai? [Can you speak English?]
I still love Billy Joel.

I am confused about my identity -- I go by Diana here, and I get weirded out when people call me Audrey, but I will call myself Audrey to myself, and I always have to think twice, or even three times before I sign an e-mail. Often, to people I love back home, I will sign "Audrey Diana," because I have some attatchment to both names.

Going by Diana has actually brought about some interesting insights. In my Teaching English textbook, it talks about one person's definition of the "Four Stages of Acculturation" -- in other words, the process, or the levels of homesickness. The third stage is called anomie. Basically, it's where you are not attatched to either home or the place that you are. Having a new name for this new place has given me another tangible way to understand how I am adjusting to where I am. I think not knowing which name to sign was a symptom of anomie -- I didn't know how to fit in here, or how I would slip back into home. But I am feeling attatched here now, and know who I am as Diana, but I have never ceased to be Audrey.

So, I am Audrey Diana.