Out of Office

I will be out of the office until further notice. Perhaps Sunday, perhaps Monday, perhaps later. Perhaps I will be so overjoyed at my homecoming I will forget about my computer completely. That would be ideal, but I doubt it will happen.

Well, until I return (did you catch the double meaning!!?), I leave you, readers, with some beautiful words that I had the pure joy to sing with my friend who wrote them while we were here. She is an absolute genius with words and music, and I think she really perfectly captures the things I wish I could say I about how I feel about home. It's better with music, but for now, just enjoy the thoughts.


Yes, oh, yes, I miss my friends, miss them more than I can say
Trying hard to handle the baptism of time I’m going through
But sunlight through leaves and eyelids
Start to show movies against my will
And I don’t have a reason or a reason to be sad
And you know I know that it’ll all be ok, but honestly
There is there and here is here and I’m so tired.

Troublesome my eyes are troublesome my feet are.
That oversimplifies something I don’t want to talk about
When all I have room for is being with you again
My past and my future sit combined in comfort
They know that a shift from good to good is good and only
Change that makes me cringe until the new sets in

I can wait, I really can, I wish I could wait more patiently
The sorrow at the richness I miss and almost worship kills me
Can you feel my heart beating in your chest?
I wonder about time and its passing.
Do you feel that we’re here but also there like I do
Even the clouds had eyes to see us then

Game Plan

Tomorrow I will be packing as I study for American Literature and Lithuanian exams. Is it time to pack already? Deciding what to leave behind, deciding what I can't afford to leave.

Thursday I am leaving my dear Lithuanian home with my roommates. I am going with a friend to be in Vilnius for that evening and Friday.

Saturday I get on a plane, and Saturday I arrive in Chicago at 3pm and will have to stay up until a normal bed time, which is equivalent to the early hours for my body. Ideally I will be so exhausted so I will sleep so well and wake up refreshed for church. Though more likely, I will be exhausted, sleep, and wake up exhausted for church.

I will be at church in five days.
I will sleep in my bed in four nights.
How are these sentances truth?
Sorry if these things seem silly, but I am already in shock, and it doesn't have to do with culture. I just don't really know what to think about all the things that are true about what is happening in my life.

Tomorrow, some friends and I are going to go out for a little nice dinner. That will be really great. It is sad to think it is the last time I will get together with them all while we're here. I have cried about leaving my European friends, and have not even thought about the fact that I will also be leaving my American friends. None of them live close either. There is a lot of indefinitely leaving in my life.

For real?

I think I've been overloaded with surrealism the past five months. At first, I could not believe I was going to Lithuania. Then I couldn't believe I was in Lithuania, then I couldn't believe how much I loved my roommates. Then I couldn't believe I was on a train to Moscow. Then I couldn't believe I was looking at the little closet where Raskolnikov was said to have taken his murderous axe from. There have been so many moments where I have thought, can this really be where I am? Have I really done [fill in the blank]? It cannot be.

The other day I was thinking about the fact that I am not the first to feel this way. There have been a number of occasions where I have seen my dad sit in wonderment at where he is. Perhaps that is why I often feel this way.

The past two days, and I predict the next week will be the same, I have been in this constant state -- wondering how I got here, and I either cannot or refuse to believe that I will leave here. I don't get it. The things that have become normal will never be the same. The things that were normal will not be the same. How am I to talk about this? How am I supposed to write about this, even though I have been trying for the whole 4 months to either document or process the stories of these months.

Well, off to studying!

one week left.

I am the kind of person who can’t wait to pack for a trip. My mom was always the one who would start packing five days before we left for a few days. My dad was the one who would start packing five minutes before bed the night before leaving, whether it was a two-day trip or a week-long trip. I tend to pack for weeks in advance. Not out of high-blood pressure or anxiety, I just love being ready to go. I hate that time between loads of laundry when you don’t want to wash all your clothes until you can put a few more days clothes in to make it worthwhile so you can pack. I love to think about the things I need to bring, and I love to pack it all in, find a way to make more room, take it all out and pack again. Luckily, I have refrained from doing that for my return trip home. Besides the fact that our dorms would not accommodate a loosely and wide-spread packed suitcase, I know it would simply make me more anxious to leave. I am in this tight place where I want to be home and be done with school work and see my wonderful family again, and I also can’t believe I’m leaving, and at times think, maybe if I throw a temper tantrum they won’t make me leave. In writing a reflection paper for our study abroad Cross-cultural Seminar class, I realized how many things I have learned, but have no words for, and I somehow feel that going home will make it even less likely to find the words. But without going home, I wouldn’t even realize all the things I’ve learned. So I want both things – Lithuania and Wisconsin. International community and diverse ethnic community. This is the curse and the blessing of Study Abroad Lithuania – it steals your heart and won’t give it back.

Did someone just say two weeks?

I cannot believe that two weeks from two days ago, I will be in the United States of America.

I cannot believe that in two weeks from yesterday, I will be singing with my church and trying to stay awake for a fabulous sermon.

I cannot believe that in three weeks from yesterday, I will for the first time ever:
-be at Cornerstone Church for a Christmas service.
-be with my own immediate family to celebrate Christmas.

I cannot believe that in three weeks from today, I will be telling my Colin, my Jeffrey and my Kaia some anecdote that will begin, "When I was in Lithuania..."