WELL, I've been e-mailing back and forth with Natalija in Lithuania who has been patient with all my questions and short-comings concerning international travel. I have been getting more and more nervous with the daunting instructions about ordering an International Student Identification Card (ISIC) and getting things notarized and sending my passport across the country. I was very nervous that I wouldn't have things done in time, or wouldn't get my ISIC in the mail before I needed to send a copy of it to blah-blah-blah...
BUT I got my card in the mail on Saturday, got all the necessary stuff notarized Monday, and sent everything out Monday as well. I'm a little on edge about my passport being untrackable in the mail, but some things we just have to leave in the Postal Service's hands. I would have good reason to worry if it wasn't the US Postal Service, but since we are in the US, I think my identity is safe.
MONDAY night, after I sent in my completed Visa application, I had my first round of serious doubt about this trip. Up until then, I was realistic about knowing that I'd be missing stuff at home, but still being healthily excited to have this opportunity. Sunday, for whatever reason, I was thinking about how my friends like to come up with new phrases, and how we can create about 60 memories in 20 minutes. I relish every moment with each of them. I thought about coming back in the Spring to live with Emily, who would have already lived a semester at our House with Olivia and Joy, and gotten into the groove of things, and how it might be frustrating to her to suddenly have a new roomate, even though we've been planning this for a year. I thought about the plays, about how I kind of wish I could Stage Manage Arsenic and Old Lace, and even how I might kinda sorta miss set building. But only a little bit.
AND that's only at school. Being even further away from my brothers, who can hardly hold a meaningful conversation one time zone away, least of all 6.
WHAT if Ian and I can't make it?
I'M essentially over my doubts of Monday night, but I think I'll have little doubting spells all summer. Is it weird that the main reason I reminded myself I needed to go was that we had already spent money on the plane tickets, I have this ISIC card with my photo on it, and I just sent in my Visa application? Why was I not reminded that Ian and Emily are committed and beautiful people, and that my brothers are growing and maturing (slowly but surely... OK, very slowly), and that I will have many more opportunities to work hard at theatre? Or even, why was I not comforted that God is in control of all of these doubts and fears of mine? I know all of these things to be true. Maybe they weren't what comforted me, though, because they would have seemed insubstantial.
MAYBE the money that had already been put into this trip was the only tangible way for me to understand that I DON'T know what's going to happen, but it's out of my control, and that's ok. That's good. I don't really like to think of money as a good thing, but in a weird way, it lent itself to helping me see that while traveling is a risk and it's scary, it's not worth running away from ("worth" meaning both financially and experiencially). So thanks to Polish Airlines, ISIC and Visa for leading me towards fearless travel!
