Lettuce Heads

Today in my thrilling job at food service, I was washing heads of lettuce. What we do is we have to sanitize the sink, then fill it up with water and heads, then dab the lettuce heads around a few times before taking them out. While dunking heads of lettuce in the water, I couldn't help but be reminded of the Russian sauna experience when we hit each other with wet bundles of branches.

Same Sky

It is still the same sky here as there.
It is still the same God here as there.
We are still the same people here as there.
I am still the same me here as there.

But it is not the same language here as there.
And it is not the same groceries here as there.
And we are not the same people here as there.
And I am not the same me here as there.

But it is still the same God here as there.

Out of Office

I will be out of the office until further notice. Perhaps Sunday, perhaps Monday, perhaps later. Perhaps I will be so overjoyed at my homecoming I will forget about my computer completely. That would be ideal, but I doubt it will happen.

Well, until I return (did you catch the double meaning!!?), I leave you, readers, with some beautiful words that I had the pure joy to sing with my friend who wrote them while we were here. She is an absolute genius with words and music, and I think she really perfectly captures the things I wish I could say I about how I feel about home. It's better with music, but for now, just enjoy the thoughts.


Yes, oh, yes, I miss my friends, miss them more than I can say
Trying hard to handle the baptism of time I’m going through
But sunlight through leaves and eyelids
Start to show movies against my will
And I don’t have a reason or a reason to be sad
And you know I know that it’ll all be ok, but honestly
There is there and here is here and I’m so tired.

Troublesome my eyes are troublesome my feet are.
That oversimplifies something I don’t want to talk about
When all I have room for is being with you again
My past and my future sit combined in comfort
They know that a shift from good to good is good and only
Change that makes me cringe until the new sets in

I can wait, I really can, I wish I could wait more patiently
The sorrow at the richness I miss and almost worship kills me
Can you feel my heart beating in your chest?
I wonder about time and its passing.
Do you feel that we’re here but also there like I do
Even the clouds had eyes to see us then

Game Plan

Tomorrow I will be packing as I study for American Literature and Lithuanian exams. Is it time to pack already? Deciding what to leave behind, deciding what I can't afford to leave.

Thursday I am leaving my dear Lithuanian home with my roommates. I am going with a friend to be in Vilnius for that evening and Friday.

Saturday I get on a plane, and Saturday I arrive in Chicago at 3pm and will have to stay up until a normal bed time, which is equivalent to the early hours for my body. Ideally I will be so exhausted so I will sleep so well and wake up refreshed for church. Though more likely, I will be exhausted, sleep, and wake up exhausted for church.

I will be at church in five days.
I will sleep in my bed in four nights.
How are these sentances truth?
Sorry if these things seem silly, but I am already in shock, and it doesn't have to do with culture. I just don't really know what to think about all the things that are true about what is happening in my life.

Tomorrow, some friends and I are going to go out for a little nice dinner. That will be really great. It is sad to think it is the last time I will get together with them all while we're here. I have cried about leaving my European friends, and have not even thought about the fact that I will also be leaving my American friends. None of them live close either. There is a lot of indefinitely leaving in my life.

For real?

I think I've been overloaded with surrealism the past five months. At first, I could not believe I was going to Lithuania. Then I couldn't believe I was in Lithuania, then I couldn't believe how much I loved my roommates. Then I couldn't believe I was on a train to Moscow. Then I couldn't believe I was looking at the little closet where Raskolnikov was said to have taken his murderous axe from. There have been so many moments where I have thought, can this really be where I am? Have I really done [fill in the blank]? It cannot be.

The other day I was thinking about the fact that I am not the first to feel this way. There have been a number of occasions where I have seen my dad sit in wonderment at where he is. Perhaps that is why I often feel this way.

The past two days, and I predict the next week will be the same, I have been in this constant state -- wondering how I got here, and I either cannot or refuse to believe that I will leave here. I don't get it. The things that have become normal will never be the same. The things that were normal will not be the same. How am I to talk about this? How am I supposed to write about this, even though I have been trying for the whole 4 months to either document or process the stories of these months.

Well, off to studying!

one week left.

I am the kind of person who can’t wait to pack for a trip. My mom was always the one who would start packing five days before we left for a few days. My dad was the one who would start packing five minutes before bed the night before leaving, whether it was a two-day trip or a week-long trip. I tend to pack for weeks in advance. Not out of high-blood pressure or anxiety, I just love being ready to go. I hate that time between loads of laundry when you don’t want to wash all your clothes until you can put a few more days clothes in to make it worthwhile so you can pack. I love to think about the things I need to bring, and I love to pack it all in, find a way to make more room, take it all out and pack again. Luckily, I have refrained from doing that for my return trip home. Besides the fact that our dorms would not accommodate a loosely and wide-spread packed suitcase, I know it would simply make me more anxious to leave. I am in this tight place where I want to be home and be done with school work and see my wonderful family again, and I also can’t believe I’m leaving, and at times think, maybe if I throw a temper tantrum they won’t make me leave. In writing a reflection paper for our study abroad Cross-cultural Seminar class, I realized how many things I have learned, but have no words for, and I somehow feel that going home will make it even less likely to find the words. But without going home, I wouldn’t even realize all the things I’ve learned. So I want both things – Lithuania and Wisconsin. International community and diverse ethnic community. This is the curse and the blessing of Study Abroad Lithuania – it steals your heart and won’t give it back.

Did someone just say two weeks?

I cannot believe that two weeks from two days ago, I will be in the United States of America.

I cannot believe that in two weeks from yesterday, I will be singing with my church and trying to stay awake for a fabulous sermon.

I cannot believe that in three weeks from yesterday, I will for the first time ever:
-be at Cornerstone Church for a Christmas service.
-be with my own immediate family to celebrate Christmas.

I cannot believe that in three weeks from today, I will be telling my Colin, my Jeffrey and my Kaia some anecdote that will begin, "When I was in Lithuania..."